Friends

One of the bloggers I follow asked the question recently - "if anyone has read or seen anything moving about the topic of female friendships and social dynamics and how difficult scary and wonderful that all can be?"

It got me thinking about my own friendships. 

In the beginning growing up you have friends that you pal around with, and then you hit high school and you talk about being "Best Friends Forever".  But mostly that forever ends a few short years later, and then for some college comes and you form bonds with your fellow roommates and classmates.  Then it seems we form friendship bonds with those that we work with.  

Some friends come and go.  But some friends do become forever friends.  I have had the pleasure of having both type of friends.  It sometimes makes me sad to think that I am not in touch with important people that meant a lot to me - but then I remember one of those people said a very smart statement to me - she told me sometimes people are only in our lives for a particular season.  So true.  I know people in my life have left lasting positive impressions on my heart.

Then if you are like me - you get married - and start raising a family.  And then suddenly there really is no time/energy/resources left for friends.  I have never viewed this as bad.  When my husband and I first got married - for whatever reason we thought it was funny to hear other people say they married their best friend.  We mocked it and found it very silly.  But the past 24 years we have realized this to be true.  I did marry my best friend and confidant.  My soul mate - the awesome father of our children.  Those words still sounds corny to me, but I have learned the valued truth in them.  When push comes to shove - Soren and I can count on each other.  We married each other to be with each other and to raise a family together and to play together.

Now don't get me wrong - I love girlfriends, and wouldn't have survived without them over the years.  And I have been fortunate enough recently to find a close circle of friends to be silly with, laugh with, have fun with and cry with.  My girlfriends over the years have been a lifeline.  There really is no words to write that can significantly convey what girlfriends mean to one another.  If you have ever experienced the wonder of girlfriends it is just an unwritten code.  You just know.

I do have a BFF.  And because of her and our children we have a close circle of friends.  I actually met my BFF through our children.  I guess we should be thanking our kids.  Thank you.  :-)

I have thought long and hard on many occasions as to why we are BFF's.  And what has made us remain so close over the past 16 years - where others have come and go?  I don't really have an answer. I know our kids played an important role - but our kids have other friends as well - and I am not BFF's with their mothers.

We relate to one another.  We can be together and talk non stop, or say nothing at all.   One of the biggest keys I think - is we know even when we aren't together the other one is just a phone call away.  Because really over the last 16 years even though we have been neighbors and friends we really haven't spent a lot of time together. Up until recently our lives have been very full with family and work - and we didn't see each other much outside of mutual kid events.  It hasn't been until the last few years where we can actually be together and hang out.  For we have had the same priorities - our families.  

We know no matter what we are there for one another, whether we talk every day, or once a week, or once every other week.  I do know, that I prefer seeing her and talking to her at least twice a week-this would be super ideal.  But this rarely happens.  But we just know, we know when we see each other next - we will have not missed a beat.  And we do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that one is there for the other.  Day or night.  Most friendships take time and energy.  But BFF friends know that sometimes there is no time nor energy left.  :-)

My BFF is truly amazing.  She is personable, like able, easy to be around and puts up with me.  The later being an important ingredient for longevity of our friendship.

I wish I had something profound to say as to why we have lasted so long.  But we work.  We just do.  We relate to one another. Our childhood upbringing was very different, but our history from about age 19 on is very similar and I know I have someone who gets "it".  I have someone besides my husband and family that puts up with me.  Cuz trust me, there is a lot of "putting up with".   

My BFF is the common thread in our awesome circle of friends.  Which has led to each of us meeting other awesome people and sometimes not so awesome people, but in the end we remain.  Different backgrounds, different stories - but we get each other.  We love each other.  And for us maybe our recent tightness stems from the loss of our dear Brandy.  

I am grateful for my friends.  I appreciate the fact in this stage of my life I now actually have more time to do things with my friends.  Yeah, at times it is still very difficult to get together, but whether it has been a week, a month, or a couple months, we always seem to be able to pick up right where we left behind.  We know our families are first, but girlfriend time is a close second.  And our families benefit from it.

Kindess does matter

I read this somewhere a few years ago, so I cannot claim it as my own.  But I have tried to put it into practice in my every day life.  And sometimes that is not easy.  Sometimes I don't feel like being kind.

It sounds so simple.  Maybe too simple for some.  But it is so true.

Kindness matters.  Kindness requires slowing down a little, having a little more patience with one another.

It links us.  It makes us feel better.  In a world that can be full of fear, bullies, and downright evil - kindness is an an arm of hope.  Hope that we can make a difference - hope in each other.

Kindness develops community.

What is kindness?  Comes in lots of shapes and sizes - letting someone cut in front of you in the grocery check out line, volunteering at a shelter, at your local school, opening the door for someone, a smile, a smile can go a very long way.  Kindness can be contagious.

I was reminded of this just recently - we recently re did our will - it had been over 10 years - and the last time we did our will, our lawyer friend did it for free - this time I made a point of saying please charge us (side note, you might want to find out what a will cost PRIOR to getting one done and opening your mouth and saying bill us).  He did bill us - and I am not very savvy in the lawyer world - but apparently wills aren't cheap, even if you don't have much to will behind in the event of our death.  :-)  Well shortly after we got our original bill, his office sent another bill - saying "pay it forward" and again doing our will for NO charge.  I love this idea of paying it forward.  And at first felt very weighted down for we are not able to pay it forward in the same regard as our lawyer did for us.  But we do have the ability to do things to pay it forward.  And I strive every day to find ways that I can.  We all can.  And when each of us do kind things, this world starts to become a better place.

Confessions

As those close to me know - I am a "to do" list junkie.  I have to do lists for my to do lists.  I have calendars, and lists and more calendars and more lists and then add to this I have journals.  Journals from high school, college, early married life, then of course I have journals on each of the kids.  And better yet - I have kept most of these lists, these calendars, these journals.

Yep, I have notebooks full of them.  Why? You ask.  Well I was going through all my stuff last year and was ready to toss and toss AND toss.  For those that are close to me - also know - I am a tosser - I like to purge and get rid of stuff - lighten the load of clutter.  But instead of tossing these particular items, I decided to organize them and keep them.  Again, you are saying - you haven't gotten to THE WHY?  Why in the world would I keep these lists, these calendars, these journals?

Well it really is a memory problem.  I always think I will remember all the treasures and the heart aches gone by, but unfortunately my head is not big enough nor smart enough to collect all those tidbits gone by.

So I organize and keep - and then when I want to I am able to stroll down my memory lane - and with each list, or calendar or journal entry I read - my heart remembers.  And my heart is large and full and it loves to remember.  Like for example one journal entry May 4, 2009 - I had written three joys of the day 1.  Boating with the kids.  2.  Time off from work.  3.  Talking of the future with Soren.  Sometimes its hard though, real hard.  Like October 8, 2008 - I wrote - Saw Julie and Brandy today.  Julie seemed like she had the life back in her.  Looked calm and restful and hopeful for the future.  Brandy has to do difficult chemo - harder actually, for the one she was on attacked her heart.  And then looking through and wondering why the gap from May to August 2009, and realizing not one entry during those times - when we all lost Brandy.  Then my heart gets heavy.  But I am glad.  I am glad I have kept my tidbits of my history.  My story.  We all have a story.

Mine is woven in my to do lists, my calendars and my journals.

Sometimes the lists and the calendars are the biggest window into our life we have led.
some of the excerpts from April 2007 Calendar/Lists -
BFF apt., drop off books at library, pick up pictures @ Costco, take Nanna to practice, thank you cards, scrapbook, Circle Journal for Kyle, paint the hallway, call paintball places, register Kyle for SAT, Nanna softball game, take Grandma to apt., Kyle track meet, work meeting, Kyle and I to Culinary Arts, Kyle Jesuit, Nanna Wallace.

Some of the calendars and lists are color coded.  Not sure it helped - but the idea was each member of the family would have their "own" color - for a quick glance at the calendar.  Yeah, that was just a phase for us, didn't last long.  Not sure it was helpful for us.  We have tried many systems over the years - but the one that has never gone away - is pen to paper.  And a central calendar on our refrigerator   We have had this since the beginning of time.   This is our command center.  The kids will tell you if they had a nickel for every time I have said - if it is not on the calendar it does NOT exist - they would be wealthy individuals.  :-)

More random confessions I am sure to come.

Scattered

One of the reasons I have not allowed myself to write - is my thoughts are always so scattered.  I look at other writer's - and they seem to have a purpose - a theme.

Not so much me.

And my "best" material always comes to me in the shower, where I can't take notes.  Or when I am trying to go to sleep.

And then when I do try and put pen to paper - poof - those wonderful "tidbits" seem to be gone.

But one of my scattered random thoughts of late has been Motherhood.  Or rather people's perception of what a mother is.

See most know I have seven children, but when those seven children were all little and around me all the time (insert "sigh" where did the time go?) people would CONSTANTLY ask - are THOSE ALL YOUR CHILDREN?  Why yes they are.  Thank you.  But it never would end there, some people would be as crass to say (mind you IN FRONT of our children) do you not know what birth control is? or better yet, you must be Catholic? or you must be Mormon? (as if either of those things would be bad) or some must be "his" and some must be "hers"?  My younger self just would pretty much slide away with my little chicks and say no they are all OURS, not his nor hers.  On better days I might get out - Yes, I do know what birth control is. But I would not say much.  My much more wiser self today would say yep, I am Catholic and my Husband is Mormon and walk away.  :-)

But see our story isn't skin deep.  (most people's stories aren't).

When the kids were real young - people would press - so which one's are "really yours" and which ones did you "adopt".  Mind you - IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN.  I would try and politely say - they are ALL ours, but some people just won't take a clue.  - Often I would hear "oh I know, but really which ones are which?"  My younger self would oblige-  but my much more wiser self today would say - "you know I just don't remember".  :-)

If I had a nickel for every time I heard "you gave birth to ALL 7" children, I would be one wealthy mom.
Depending on the day, or situation, I have said yep, and left it at.  Who really has time for the "real, whole story"?  I have tried to shorten it, but there really is no shortening a life story - but I have gotten it down to "well I have given birth five times, and have 7 children, 3 of which are adopted".  But see that doesn't really answer the question for most - because that math doesn't really add up correctly, so people press - and then it is "well our first child was stillborn".  If I was smarter I would of just said I have given birth five times, have 8 children, 3 of which are adopted, but then that poses the question where is the 8th child? and see it just not that simple.

And why does it matter to people?  As if giving birth to all 7 children makes them more mine.  I don't advocate lying, but sometimes you get tired of putting yourself in a place of explanation.  It's just not a short story.  And it's a very personal one.

But looking back I now realize - I had many opportunities to share God's love and grace and courage.  For that is the only reason this wife and mother is still standing - and standing strong.  Because God's handiwork has been woven ever so delicately throughout our lives.  It wasn't me that was holding it all together - but it was and is and will continue to be - God.

Thankfully in the last ten to fifteen years or so - I started to realize we have something awesome to share versus just cower away at people's bizarre stares and crazy questions.  That it hasn't always been pretty, but it has been covered by God's love, grace and mercy.

More scattered thoughts I am sure to come . . . .

Are we missing the here and now?

Lots on mind, as usual.  Best "material" comes to me - either in the shower, or when trying to sleep.
Then when get to "pen to paper" part - it seems to be magically gone.  :-)
So this is what I remember -
Have you ever sat and people watched?  Quite fascinating at times.  Requires us to be still for awhile.  Being still in this day and age has seemingly become quite difficult.
I had a moment yesterday where I was still, for just a moment.  And the scene in front of me was several different people there in front of me.  But were they really?  Most were there, but they had some device in front of them  - most everyone had a smartphone in front of them, a few had i pads or a tablet of sorts.
Now I know multi-tasking is important, and has a place.  But are we missing everything by being part there for it all?

Now the place I was at - was not a bank, nor an office, but rather the gym pool.
And most people were on the sidelines with others - and seemingly missing what was right before their eyes.
I not judging, for this was just a moment in time, and I could of very easily been one of those people in my eye's view.
Technology has made our lives easier, I will not doubt that, I know I appreciate the luxuries that technology brings, but are we missing what is playing out before us?

In that moment I decided to start bringing my cell phone with me less, until I myself have the self discipline to be present in the moment.  For the moment before me - may not play out again.
Ironically I may already been on to something - for this particular evening I actually forgot my cell phone at home.  And I survived.  And so did my family.  And I saved a little money too - for the one person that did text me while I was out with one son, was another son requesting I spend money on the way home.  But I did not have my phone with me to get this message.  :-)

Taking the Plunge

I have always wanted to write, for at least the last 10 years it is has been on my heart.  And I have always journaled.  I have a journal from age 14 to now.

Now believe me when I say I have always wanted to write - but that doesn't mean I am a "writer" in fact my English teacher is coming back to haunt me, I have never been very grammatically correct.

In fact my best "writing" usually comes at night when I am trying to sleep - and then when I try to put the thoughts to paper - it magically doesn't make as much sense as it did in my head.

I really was going to toss this writing idea aside - mostly because I feel everything, I mean EVERYTHING has been written about - but then I read the sentence from another blogger -" but it hasn't been written from your life experience view."  So that gave me new found confidence to do this.

Another reason why it has taken so long - is "they" recommend you come up with a specific theme for your writings.  Well I really can't narrow it down.  I know I want to help people.  And I have some pretty good organizational skills (again a topic that has been written about and rewritten about).  But besides helping people, I really haven't fine tuned "my theme".  I hoping that comes to me as I go.  For I am taking my own advice - and just do.  Sometimes you just need to act, to DO something.

Happy Saturday.  Molly

New Adventure

Just Breathe my BFF came up with.  That particular web address was taken so I added simply in front of it to come up with my blog address.  Just coming up with this name alone was stopping me from blogging.  But BFF came to the rescue in August of 2012 and the year 2013 is the year for me to jump out of my comfort zone and live life to the absolute fullest.
Bare with me as I learn the ins and outs of the blogging world.
Let's enjoy this ride together.